Loving
Caring
Trusting
Believing
Courage
Strength
Happiness
Family

Give me the strength to see the light in the midst of a depressive turn. Use those things of importance and think about each one to help turn the tides back up.

Low bawling it

So I’ve been on the edge of low for awhile. I told J that when I shop I feel better. He suggested giving me $5 and have at it. Other then that I avoid stores :(

Struggling day to day with bipolar tendancies is not fun. Most of the time is spent low. So the best thing is to do things that accomplish something and are measurable. That’s why starting on the basement is such a challenge, seeing progress in the mess of stuff I’ve collected will be difficult.

Need to start of low and bring up the ante when possible. Upstairs isn’t in the best shape, laundry isn’t put away or sorted. Cleaning could be done. But it’s still good to start with what I can and then go from there.

I’ve been asked how one deals with my condition on daily basis and it is best to keep some sort of routine. So here it goes:

- Wake up groggy 
- Decide if should take my meds to prevent sleepiness (especially for driving and meetings)
- Shower (hopefully before little man wakes up)
- Get the kiddos going
- Work on breakfast
- Maybe empty/fill the dishwasher
- Get to work (if it is not the weekend)
- Overcome stuggles to get mind in balance / work on challenges by trying to focus and be strong / stay focused
- Get home and get the kids (during the week)
- Start the evening off with enjoying the kids and trying not to be a low down drag that bring everyone off balance
- Get something going for dinner <if my night to make then it is most likely an easy menu>
- Try to find some enjoyment, striving for it to be a good night for the kids before they go to bed
- Get ready for bed, take meds, hopefully asleep before 10 because getting up at 5am is hard to do with little sleep

Start all over again and hope that the day doesn’t start or become a low for me. Those low days are harder to do all those things. But then sleeping isn’t a problem as then it is hard to stay awake and enjoy things.

The highs are starting to be managed better. I still crave the ability to get 80 things done at one time but I understand it’s better to take my time and get just 40 done but at a good quality. 

Here’s the kicker… Balancing on a balance beam is done by gymnasts that have trained long and hard to do crazy tricks. Balancing the mind for those not in key practice for bipolar individuals is just as hard to do crazy olympic challenges.

Now I’ve been on the computer looking for new job opportunites but instead am writing. See that focus thing needs to be under control and not on the low end and the mind needs balance.

For those struggling…Stay strong, stay focused and overcome the lows and highs! Bring the bipolar balance medal home!

So not having any confidence is hard to overcome. When day in and day out you have it ripped down then building it up will take forever. I’m swinging low, but still swinging. I won’t be brought down. I may be low but I strive to prevail.

Looking else where is another challenge, need to swing high for that to be successful. Nothing can fall into your plate and be perfect. Working hard is a key to that success.

I pray for the strength to overcome and go up, up and away to greener pastures.

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.  My Christmas will be filled with family and love.  For those that are struggling, I hope that there becomes a balance in life and help is on the horizon.  All the best - Love, Kelly

So how does someone get back confidence when it seems like all of it is gone?  Slowly the confidence has been ripped from you and the struggle to keep it has failed.  Being bipolar and having no confidence is yet another battle.  Working hard to find balance in everything is almost impossible but to tip the scales and add to the equation no self esteem, then you are in for a big struggle.  

What kind of life is it when the world seems like you just can’t get out of bed and then on top of that, the day will be nothing but non-motivating because you keep getting dragged down.  I find that the biggest struggle with my confidence is when I’m depressed but then one of the biggest causes of my depression is lack of my confidence.  It is nothing but a no win battle.  

I crave balance.  I know that if I move to the manic mode then I will have too much belief that what I’m doing is in everyone’s best interest. Taking the time to stop and think in manic mode is essential.  Even in manic times, it feels like a good confidence in myself is just a mirage. 

Now comes the plan. Struggling to bring back that confidence needs an elaborate scheme, right? Nah, just some time and some help along the way. It’s not just for me but I think everyone needs confidence from time to time. So lets give a little nod to everyone that is doing something well. Show everyone that is doing something great that you notice and appreciate what they’ve done or are doing. Working hard and taking pride in what you are doing is also important. For me, I think that getting out of a bad environment would help but just trying my best and working hard will just have to do until that is possible.  

May the manic mommy stay at bay but, even more so, will the depressed mama take a hike.  This struggle to find that god confidence can be surpassed!

There is opportunity in almost everything. It is great to see the light again. Loving life is beautiful but such a struggle for those with depression and bipolar.

Shutting off a manic mind is like telling a baby to be quite. I lay here craving some sleep but after being woke up its hard not to be distracted by the mind. That and now a head banging moaning baby. And the feel of a Yogi dog running in his sleep with his feet against mine. And the owls and night birds making their music. Sleep, where art thou ?

One of the sweetest people I have known passed away Monday. She was caring and generous and always had a smile to give.  Missing everything about her already and I was crying like a baby as I wrote this. It was a blessing to have such a wonderful Grandma in our lives.

Every hug should be cherished and memory always in our hearts. 

I think back to when my Grandpa passed away and couldn’t stop bawling over how much I still miss every little thing.  All the memories of Grandma Sweetie are already rushing in. As the fall colors leaves fly in the wind, I pray that in heaven she is at peace.

I pray I find strength in and for my family and friends to get through this difficult time without being sucked into a major depression.

1. So it’s been awhile, it’s been a struggle and a challenge.  I went the route of treatments besides the meds.  First of all, I hate IVs but they are necessary.  Really that is the worst part about it for me and having to get up at 3am.  Minor headaches and one sided treatment means very little memory loss.  I like the option of monthly maintenance.  It’s been a good fit so far.

   Here is the kicker, right now we are in limbo waiting for insurance information.  My husband changed jobs, which has been good for him but gives me a headache.  I am skipping and canceling appointments and hoping everyday we get insurance cards.  Now we have a deductible we didn’t before.  I’m expensive I get that, but at least I’m alive and semi well.

   
   

   2.  The ins and outs

   Writing. When you are down and out writing is not easy by any means.  Neither is working, whether that be on doing laundry or going to work.  The world seems impossible. Going through the motions without joy is exhausting.

   Joy. I just want joy in everything I do. Sometimes that is very hard at work, but it is possible to make it better when you have joy in your life. Being depressed isn’t a choice so snap out of it isn’t something one can do. It’s a reality not a selection.  Joy feels like balance is your eyes.

   Balance. Craving balance is what I do when I’m down. But in manic mode, balance isn’t necessary because everything seems wonderful. Ideas are abundant and starting something you crave to do is easy. It’s the finishing that is the challenge after the crash.

   Crashing. So the cycle goes in most cases. Depressed, balanced and then manic. From there it is slow crash in some cases from manic to slightly balanced followed by a deep depression. I hate the crash and I even tell people that it’s happening but it feels like nothing can stop it, there is no hope.

   Hope. Balanced state gives me hope that maybe just maybe I won’t go too manic or get too depressed.  But it’s reality that crushes my hope which can lead to even more of a crash.

   So as I stand now. I am nervous. New tasks make me dread things that I probably should look at as a challenge. If I were manic, then I would try to think 10 steps ahead and not at the path I need to go. If depressed, then I would feel like hiding and hope that something would bring me up so I could do the work.

   Life is good. It is more of a challenge for me to see that than for others but I’m blessed to get that chance. I know others struggles are worse than mine. The depression doesn’t let me believe that sometimes. I just want to stop and look at the autumn colors and get familty pictures and as many photos as I can. Those help me remember. My memory fails me a lot, so every little bit helps. 

   This may be rambling but it is the way my mind is working so I digress. And I write this as I look forward to the weekend with hope and crave joy. Praying for balance and not crashing. I also write this for others to help give me hope and joy.  Love, Kelly

I finally broke down and started medicine and therapy again.  Perhaps it was the Post Partum, perhaps it was too much going on at employment level and money.  Either way it was a good thing at the time.  I went 8 1/2 months without meds and a year without therapy. 

I’d like to think if I had the therapy that I wouldn’t have needed the meds and could have coped with the ups and downs.  Something caused the swings too be too much and I gave up a key passion of mine and great benefit to my baby of nursing to go on a low dose of meds. 

I think before I was on meds the coping mechanisms that helped me the most were just doing in a depressed state and avoiding things that may depress me more.  The manic states were harder, my depression wasn’t so bad but I struggled to enjoy things which I was looking forward too in a balanced state.  The manic states were the hardest on my family.  They brought back too many memories of broken trust.

So here’s to the new round of drugs and the wonderful therapy and all the friends I met along the way struggling too.