I finally broke down and started medicine and therapy again.  Perhaps it was the Post Partum, perhaps it was too much going on at employment level and money.  Either way it was a good thing at the time.  I went 8 1/2 months without meds and a year without therapy. 

I’d like to think if I had the therapy that I wouldn’t have needed the meds and could have coped with the ups and downs.  Something caused the swings too be too much and I gave up a key passion of mine and great benefit to my baby of nursing to go on a low dose of meds. 

I think before I was on meds the coping mechanisms that helped me the most were just doing in a depressed state and avoiding things that may depress me more.  The manic states were harder, my depression wasn’t so bad but I struggled to enjoy things which I was looking forward too in a balanced state.  The manic states were the hardest on my family.  They brought back too many memories of broken trust.

So here’s to the new round of drugs and the wonderful therapy and all the friends I met along the way struggling too.

I wanted to take a step back to when I first started showing signs of my condition.  It was the winter of 2006.  I had just had Samantha in November and the thought was that perhaps I was experiencing some Post Partum Depression.  When that didn’t seem to go away then it was chalked up to Winter blues, which wasn’t uncommon for me.  So the cycle of the medicine attempts began.  And the fight against considering that it was bipolar also began because I did not understand it and was afraid of such a thought.

First we tried Lexapro.  This did not seem to help much and it was May or June before we decided to try something else.  Here was our first mistake, I didn’t go to a head doctor at that point.  Instead I was looking for a quick fix and decided that a regular doctor should be able to help me.  Perhaps if the only thing I was experiencing was depression and not other life events then that might have worked.  What this did result in was me being put on a pretty powerful drug that shouldn’t be prescribed without consulting a head doctor.  Effexor

At first the Effexor didn’t seem to be working either.  I went through a sleep study because I was so tired all the time, couldn’t even drive at one point.  Then all of the sudden it hit me one day.  I had drive and passion and a will to live again. Right before this change started and around the same time my husband became very ill.  We had been trying to figure it out by visiting some doctors but they did not seem to be helping.  Then one day my husband was in a terrible state and I needed to rush him to the hospital.  This came at the same time that I was having problems even driving because I felt exhausted all the time and my work was suffering too and we had a huge fight the night before.  So on top of the depression was piled another stressor.  

I wasn’t happy with our marriage and neither was he.  I’d say normal humans with emotions that are under control would be brought closer together by such trauma.  This was not the case for me.  What happened was that I looked for someone to talk to and confide in.  This turned out to be a current (at the time) friend and old acquantance that had tried to date me years and years before.

Everything piled into one big mess.  I confided in him (who was also having marital issues) and my husband was looking for me to be there for him.  This resulted in me feeling controlled.  Being pushed into a manic state (perhaps by the Effexor) caused me to not be there for my husband.  Which I’ve regretted everyday since. I realize that I need to take responsibility but that has been the hardest part because I had thought (before therapy) that I wouldn’t have had the affair if I had been normal.  It’s hard to look at the past and say ‘What if?’ so I just look to the future and control what I can now.

So this may cause some of you to see me differently and I can respect that.  What I’m sharing this story for is to give others information.  If I can help one person that is experiencing something similar with the onset of being Depressed and/or Bipolar and/or Post Partum issues then I feel it is worth it.

I have the most understanding and wonderful husband a woman could ask for.  After moving out and almost going through with the divorce, he still took me back.  He suffered through a major hospital stay and even having major surgery without his wife and that is the only person he wanted comfort from.  I’m so glad that I was able to get help and understand my condition before it was too late.  Too late for our marriage and too late for me.  With the major depression did come suicidal thoughts and even some plans and one attempt.  

Once I came to terms with my diagnosis of Bipolar, then it has given me an understanding of what my body is going through and even without medicine to balance my moods I am able to stay above that major major depression level.  

As of now, my husband’s condition is in remission.  We went through counseling successfully (which I highly recommend to anyone with marital issues but both parties must be willing to be there).  I was with him through his Chemo treatments that were trying to help his body fight his condition.  Looking back, we may not have been as strong of a couple as we are now if life didn’t bring us these challenges.  

Someone recently posted in support of me and I’d say this sums up my thoughts:  God only gives you what you can handle and blessings in disguise. 

It’s like the old joke that you’re in a flood and you just have faith that you will survive but you don’t take the rescue attempts that God gives you and you drown.  He knows when to provide you the right help, so see it and take it.

Today made me cry. I want to be better but I don’t want the side effects. Having to weigh the options now and dreading the decision!

The following sums up what I’m going to do soon.  Anyone that can provide support to encourage me to keep up the routine is appreciated. 

The biggest challenge we are having right now is trust.  There needs to be trust to prevent a catch 22 situation that could lead to a spiraling depression.  I appologize to all the family and friends that saw that about 2 weeks ago. 

Right now I’m Loving Life, which can lead to bigger issues because I talk a mile a minute and probably scare those I care about.  Stopping and smelling the roses, taking a relaxing bath and yoga like stuff is probably my best assest at this time. 

As for the budget progress, we are almost credit card debt free for the first time in like 12 years.  This does not mean debt free, we have loans to pay that will take 3 1/2 years to pay off but thank goodness it is lower rates.  YNAB is a blessing, but for me right now it is like quiting cold turkey.  I don’t know how to shop, everything I ever did before seems wrong.  I can’t buy the clearance item without making sure we have that amount available in that category for the month.  For me that is hard because next month when the budget is available, the item will not be and in the end when I need to buy it then I will have to pay more.  So I’m frustrated and confused and just plain exhausted.  So I will just avoid stores which is really hard, to take away from me…especially during 90% clearance and peal off sale!  Oh well, no shopping for me. 

But here is the other catch 22, I’m enjoying trying to sell the stuff we’ve acquired and don’t need anymore.  Problem is that then I see the stuff that other people are selling and it feels like I need to bid on it.  It feels like if I worked for a consignment store that I could do personal shopping for people and I think I would be good at it.  Wonder if that could be a second job, perhaps even a hobby more so to control the shopping drive. 

Good night all!
Love - K

psychotherapy:

Can you describe what you do on a daily basis to stay healthy?

Andrew Solomon: When I began researching depression, I was a real medical conservative. I thought it was all about the meds. But now I believe that there are multiple elements involved.

For me, the medications are essential;…

Andrew - I will be discussing this further on a few of my future  posts… K

psychotherapy:

Every month since January 2008 The Psychologist has featured a One-On-One interview page in which leading psychologists are asked, among other things, to name one book or journal article, either contemporary or historical, that all psychologists should read. Here’s a handy link-filled list of the answers so far…

So my husband and I have recently (finally) began a budget system.  I was the main hold up in getting that party started.  Mainly because it felt too controlling.  Control is one thing I need to have when in a manic mood.  

So I read ‘You Need A Budget’ book outloud while we were on a recent car trip.  It was enlightening, many of the things ran true of our relationship in relation to money.  

http://youneedabudget.com <Free PDF version is available online>  Also on ereaders too

Now we are both super excited to see our financial situation get turned around.  We are glad we won’t be living paycheck to paycheck anymore.  It also gives us the big picture and when we can be out of the nasty credit card debt.  

That awful credit card debt may be a result of mixed or manic states but I’m not the only one to blame.  I highly recommend a budget to anyone that feels they don’t know where there money is going.  And for couples you need to have both parties on board before it will be effective.   I’m hoping that such a system will help me in two ways.  I have no option to get out of control in spending and two it is now actually fun to plan what I can use each bucket of money toward for the upcoming month.  

 As we progress I will post periodically on how we are doing with the system.