Up and at ‘em
I actually woke up before my son without an alarm and after being out late last night. That says I’m either on a up swing or at least past a bit of a depressed state. I’ll take it, better than the depressed daze of regrets.
We went out last night with friends. It was a good time since we don’t get to see them very often. Problem is that I can’t see that in all it’s color right now. I regret not taking the opportunity for them to take picture of us having a good time. And that plays over and over in my mind. I can’t remember things I should but instead I remember that regret and it stings. So how does one get past a memory like that and then fire a different part of the brain to remember something else long since forgotten?
We were looking back on a couple of old pictures and I don’t even recall some of the things we did that were in them. Sigh, so I then wonder if it is the medicine haze that brings that down. Which gets me to thinking, what if we could lower my dosage! So we are trying that. I’m going to try some progesterone type therapy and maybe that will help!
Here’s to hope and time to get moving this fine Saturday morning!
Here I sit with tons to do and I can’t get up. I find stuff to do where I can just sit. The Ritalin helps me from napping but the motivation just doesn’t come from a pill. I look around and don’t know how I can make a difference. I know deep down that doing it will help but the brick that lays on my shoulders prevents the action. I want normal, I want sane but I know that isn’t reality. So what can I do, something is better than nothing so I write in hopes that it motivates me. I need to see the light and its shining. Not that summers ending, not that Jason is going outta town, not that I have to be strong but that I can do it even with all the challenges. Letting things go that happened and seeing hope, making decisions and being ok with them. No regrets in things that can’t be changed. Moving forward. Not backwards is what I’m told but every day life happens that adds to the mess. I screw up but i have to just deal with it.
So finally I get up and move! Come on get up! Why can’t I just get something done in a timely manner! Sigh…still sitting. Motivation needed.
So it’s been 7 years of craziness. I dream that the pain will go away, that the regrets will stop and hope for much better years ahead. Although you look back and do have to know that all the trouble brought some strength and out of all the pain there was so much more good. Emmett was a blessing and seeing through his eyes his amazing. Sammie has grown so much and is strong, courageous and beautiful.
Everything can’t be perfect but I still dream of it. What good can come of that? More regrets? Dreams are great but not of perfection. How do I get past that? Moods swing and so does life, I should hope they are swinging together and love life no matter what strifes I have.
Dreaming of good days and balance. That’s what I can do and actually try not just let life pass by.
Hope for getting along and strength from experience and advice. Better days are ahead.
Love for all.
I start out a little rough most camping weekends. It takes a bit to get emotionally settled after all the packing and getting organized once we get there. Granted I need to work on the organization! But it all works out.
It was a whirlwind of fun. Sometimes it’s hard to chase a toddler around and it’s nerve wrecking being near fire and ticks and other things he can get into. But then I remind myself that it won’t be like this for long and one day we’ll look back and miss Emmett’s mischievous little ways and even the temper tantrums. Sammie goes on her own and gets into dirtiness but that can be washed away and the fun times she had will stay in her memories. We shouldn’t stop her fun really unless it will be harmful or creates bad habits. Same with Emmett. They find joy in the littlest of things we take for granted. Seeing life through kids eyes can bring happiness to the coldest of hearts. Laughter is a great therapy and children’s laughter is the best kind.
So starting off a short workweek is hard to do but my mood remains up. And I pray for that to stay as long as the summer moves on and into the years ahead. The struggle to remain sane is challenging but it includes the most joyful memories. I’ve captured some in pictures in hopes that looking back will help in the hard times. Now time to get the head banging moaning little guy ready for a new day and sending my wonderful daughter in the last couple weeks of school. Chow.
Give me the strength to see the light in the midst of a depressive turn. Use those things of importance and think about each one to help turn the tides back up.
Low bawling it
So I’ve been on the edge of low for awhile. I told J that when I shop I feel better. He suggested giving me $5 and have at it. Other then that I avoid stores :(
Struggling day to day with bipolar tendancies is not fun. Most of the time is spent low. So the best thing is to do things that accomplish something and are measurable. That’s why starting on the basement is such a challenge, seeing progress in the mess of stuff I’ve collected will be difficult.
Need to start of low and bring up the ante when possible. Upstairs isn’t in the best shape, laundry isn’t put away or sorted. Cleaning could be done. But it’s still good to start with what I can and then go from there.
I’ve been asked how one deals with my condition on daily basis and it is best to keep some sort of routine. So here it goes:
- Wake up groggy
- Decide if should take my meds to prevent sleepiness (especially for driving and meetings)
- Shower (hopefully before little man wakes up)
- Get the kiddos going
- Work on breakfast
- Maybe empty/fill the dishwasher
- Get to work (if it is not the weekend)
- Overcome stuggles to get mind in balance / work on challenges by trying to focus and be strong / stay focused
- Get home and get the kids (during the week)
- Start the evening off with enjoying the kids and trying not to be a low down drag that bring everyone off balance
- Get something going for dinner <if my night to make then it is most likely an easy menu>
- Try to find some enjoyment, striving for it to be a good night for the kids before they go to bed
- Get ready for bed, take meds, hopefully asleep before 10 because getting up at 5am is hard to do with little sleep
Start all over again and hope that the day doesn’t start or become a low for me. Those low days are harder to do all those things. But then sleeping isn’t a problem as then it is hard to stay awake and enjoy things.
The highs are starting to be managed better. I still crave the ability to get 80 things done at one time but I understand it’s better to take my time and get just 40 done but at a good quality.
Here’s the kicker… Balancing on a balance beam is done by gymnasts that have trained long and hard to do crazy tricks. Balancing the mind for those not in key practice for bipolar individuals is just as hard to do crazy olympic challenges.
Now I’ve been on the computer looking for new job opportunites but instead am writing. See that focus thing needs to be under control and not on the low end and the mind needs balance.
For those struggling…Stay strong, stay focused and overcome the lows and highs! Bring the bipolar balance medal home!
So not having any confidence is hard to overcome. When day in and day out you have it ripped down then building it up will take forever. I’m swinging low, but still swinging. I won’t be brought down. I may be low but I strive to prevail.
Looking else where is another challenge, need to swing high for that to be successful. Nothing can fall into your plate and be perfect. Working hard is a key to that success.
I pray for the strength to overcome and go up, up and away to greener pastures.
I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. My Christmas will be filled with family and love. For those that are struggling, I hope that there becomes a balance in life and help is on the horizon. All the best - Love, Kelly
So how does someone get back confidence when it seems like all of it is gone? Slowly the confidence has been ripped from you and the struggle to keep it has failed. Being bipolar and having no confidence is yet another battle. Working hard to find balance in everything is almost impossible but to tip the scales and add to the equation no self esteem, then you are in for a big struggle.
What kind of life is it when the world seems like you just can’t get out of bed and then on top of that, the day will be nothing but non-motivating because you keep getting dragged down. I find that the biggest struggle with my confidence is when I’m depressed but then one of the biggest causes of my depression is lack of my confidence. It is nothing but a no win battle.
I crave balance. I know that if I move to the manic mode then I will have too much belief that what I’m doing is in everyone’s best interest. Taking the time to stop and think in manic mode is essential. Even in manic times, it feels like a good confidence in myself is just a mirage.
Now comes the plan. Struggling to bring back that confidence needs an elaborate scheme, right? Nah, just some time and some help along the way. It’s not just for me but I think everyone needs confidence from time to time. So lets give a little nod to everyone that is doing something well. Show everyone that is doing something great that you notice and appreciate what they’ve done or are doing. Working hard and taking pride in what you are doing is also important. For me, I think that getting out of a bad environment would help but just trying my best and working hard will just have to do until that is possible.
May the manic mommy stay at bay but, even more so, will the depressed mama take a hike. This struggle to find that god confidence can be surpassed!
There is opportunity in almost everything. It is great to see the light again. Loving life is beautiful but such a struggle for those with depression and bipolar.