Manic Mommy
Struggling

lt’s hard to keep going sometimes. It feels like a heavy weight on my shoulder that can’t be lifted. Everything seems so difficult but it hurts me because deep down I know it isn’t. So frustrating that I don’t get more done.

I take notes but don;t really remember much and looking back at them sometimes ,even to jog my memory, is frustrating because it doesn’t help.

So then the question is - Is this as good as it gets? Is this depression cycle better than any other depression I have at my current medication levels? Do I risk going to a different head doc or changing anything in hopes that there is something better out there. My creativity aches in me, I know I could do so much better so it’s like suppressing my natural abilities because I’m afraid of the manic way super highs and of course the debilitating lows.

Decisions, something I am horrible at. I go way far analyzing because I’m afraid of the regret if it doesn’t turn out as good as I would have liked it to. So the procrastination comes from forgetting (because my memory is terrible) and fear/anxiety.

So I’ll continue to work on the struggle and I suppose the first step is to admit the struggle and problem and then the effort to take care of it may be more than difficult but at least I’m trying. Giving up is not an option. Have to keep going through the bad times to get to the good.

Drowning & Spinning

I was so saddened to hear of the loss of such an American icon recently. Depression, Bipolar, Addiction, Suicide…just some of those topics that came out after his passing. I found it hard to read or listen to what others were saying. But I did some of it anyways in hopes to find a way to share those thoughts with others that may not understand.

I want to help others by sharing but find it difficult when I’m drowning in sadness or spinning in circles. It’s hard for me to find that balance so I have been reading more and more and hope to find ways to cope during the manic spinning times and ways to stay afloat during the crippling depressions. 

So I’ve come up with a ideas and plans to work on during those times. I’ve split them up below:

*Manic*

- If accomplishing a task, take a step back and make sure it was done completely
- Listen carefully first before speaking
- Think hard about a response and it’s possible outcomes before giving them
- Ask questions and listen for answers
- If working out, make sure to pay attention to other tasks carefully and meditate if needed to slow/cool down
- SLEEP
- Take medicine
- Take notes carefully and highlight important items
- Make lists, as needed
- Prioritize carefully
- Pay attention to promises and plans

*Depression*

- Break down tasks into pieces
- Ask for help on what to work on next
- Listen carefully and repeat in head as many times as needed to comprehend the intent
- Think hard about responses and it’s possible outcomes before giving them
- When asking for questions, listen to answers carefully and ask to repeat, if needed
- Take notes carefully and highlight important items
- Make lists, as needed

- Prioritize carefully

Getting the right kind of help

I never thought that I would need to see a head doctor. I think with all the stigma that surrounds depression that it is embarrassing to take that step and people think they can deal with it. But why? The help is available so why not take it. I wish I had taken that step when the depression had overcome me. I could barely get to work without fear that I’d fall asleep driving, I found little enjoyment in my cute little girl and family and nothing seemed to pick me up. Just going to the regular doctor was hard for me to do. And I wish more than anything that doctor would have pushed me to see a Psychiatrist since one of the medicines he prescribed should not have been given to me and spun my world around. 

Having going to a few different doctors, I’ve seen that each of them was there to help me and listen to what I want and not force me into anything. The recommendation of seeing a therapist was also something I used to consider something that made me weak. But in honesty I feel stronger being able to talk through my hard times with someone that isn’t in the middle of the drama. She also helps me find myself by giving me hope and ideas on how to cope and be stronger. But of course you have to open up and be honest with yourself. Realizing you need help is one step but then the most important step is to do something about it. Even if you don’t think you need help, it can’t hurt to talk to someone who wants to listen.

It’s hard for me to say this but I think without reaching out and getting help that I wouldn’t be here today. It may not be like that for others but if you find yourself having a hard time at any point why not at least find someone to talk to that may be able to help you. Maybe you feel fine now, but what got you to that point should be talked through to help prevent another episode or even the smallest dip in your happiness.

Therapists go through a lot of training in helping people, why not see if they can help you.

Psychiatrists go through a lot of education and treating a lot of patients with many different problems, why not at least see what one has to say about your struggles.

Don’t wait, just do it.

Up and at ‘em

I actually woke up before my son without an alarm and after being out late last night. That says I’m either on a up swing or at least past a bit of a depressed state. I’ll take it, better than the depressed daze of regrets.

We went out last night with friends. It was a good time since we don’t get to see them very often. Problem is that I can’t see that in all it’s color right now. I regret not taking the opportunity for them to take picture of us having a good time. And that plays over and over in my mind. I can’t remember things I should but instead I remember that regret and it stings. So how does one get past a memory like that and then fire a different part of the brain to remember something else long since forgotten?

We were looking back on a couple of old pictures and I don’t even recall some of the things we did that were in them. Sigh, so I then wonder if it is the medicine haze that brings that down. Which gets me to thinking, what if we could lower my dosage! So we are trying that. I’m going to try some progesterone type therapy and maybe that will help!

Here’s to hope and time to get moving this fine Saturday morning! 

Motivation needed

Here I sit with tons to do and I can’t get up. I find stuff to do where I can just sit. The Ritalin helps me from napping but the motivation just doesn’t come from a pill. I look around and don’t know how I can make a difference. I know deep down that doing it will help but the brick that lays on my shoulders prevents the action. I want normal, I want sane but I know that isn’t reality. So what can I do, something is better than nothing so I write in hopes that it motivates me. I need to see the light and its shining. Not that summers ending, not that Jason is going outta town, not that I have to be strong but that I can do it even with all the challenges. Letting things go that happened and seeing hope, making decisions and being ok with them. No regrets in things that can’t be changed. Moving forward. Not backwards is what I’m told but every day life happens that adds to the mess. I screw up but i have to just deal with it.

So finally I get up and move! Come on get up! Why can’t I just get something done in a timely manner! Sigh…still sitting. Motivation needed.

Dreaming

So it’s been 7 years of craziness. I dream that the pain will go away, that the regrets will stop and hope for much better years ahead. Although you look back and do have to know that all the trouble brought some strength and out of all the pain there was so much more good. Emmett was a blessing and seeing through his eyes his amazing. Sammie has grown so much and is strong, courageous and beautiful.

Everything can’t be perfect but I still dream of it. What good can come of that? More regrets? Dreams are great but not of perfection. How do I get past that? Moods swing and so does life, I should hope they are swinging together and love life no matter what strifes I have.

Dreaming of good days and balance. That’s what I can do and actually try not just let life pass by. Hope for getting along and strength from experience and advice. Better days are ahead. Love for all.
Wonderful Weekends

I start out a little rough most camping weekends. It takes a bit to get emotionally settled after all the packing and getting organized once we get there. Granted I need to work on the organization! But it all works out.

It was a whirlwind of fun. Sometimes it’s hard to chase a toddler around and it’s nerve wrecking being near fire and ticks and other things he can get into. But then I remind myself that it won’t be like this for long and one day we’ll look back and miss Emmett’s mischievous little ways and even the temper tantrums. Sammie goes on her own and gets into dirtiness but that can be washed away and the fun times she had will stay in her memories. We shouldn’t stop her fun really unless it will be harmful or creates bad habits. Same with Emmett. They find joy in the littlest of things we take for granted. Seeing life through kids eyes can bring happiness to the coldest of hearts. Laughter is a great therapy and children’s laughter is the best kind.

So starting off a short workweek is hard to do but my mood remains up. And I pray for that to stay as long as the summer moves on and into the years ahead. The struggle to remain sane is challenging but it includes the most joyful memories. I’ve captured some in pictures in hopes that looking back will help in the hard times. Now time to get the head banging moaning little guy ready for a new day and sending my wonderful daughter in the last couple weeks of school. Chow.

Importance

Loving
Caring
Trusting
Believing
Courage
Strength
Happiness
Family

Give me the strength to see the light in the midst of a depressive turn. Use those things of importance and think about each one to help turn the tides back up.

Medal winner?
Low bawling it

So I’ve been on the edge of low for awhile. I told J that when I shop I feel better. He suggested giving me $5 and have at it. Other then that I avoid stores :(

Struggling day to day with bipolar tendancies is not fun. Most of the time is spent low. So the best thing is to do things that accomplish something and are measurable. That’s why starting on the basement is such a challenge, seeing progress in the mess of stuff I’ve collected will be difficult.

Need to start of low and bring up the ante when possible. Upstairs isn’t in the best shape, laundry isn’t put away or sorted. Cleaning could be done. But it’s still good to start with what I can and then go from there.

I’ve been asked how one deals with my condition on daily basis and it is best to keep some sort of routine. So here it goes:

- Wake up groggy 
- Decide if should take my meds to prevent sleepiness (especially for driving and meetings)
- Shower (hopefully before little man wakes up)
- Get the kiddos going
- Work on breakfast
- Maybe empty/fill the dishwasher
- Get to work (if it is not the weekend)
- Overcome stuggles to get mind in balance / work on challenges by trying to focus and be strong / stay focused
- Get home and get the kids (during the week)
- Start the evening off with enjoying the kids and trying not to be a low down drag that bring everyone off balance
- Get something going for dinner <if my night to make then it is most likely an easy menu>
- Try to find some enjoyment, striving for it to be a good night for the kids before they go to bed
- Get ready for bed, take meds, hopefully asleep before 10 because getting up at 5am is hard to do with little sleep

Start all over again and hope that the day doesn’t start or become a low for me. Those low days are harder to do all those things. But then sleeping isn’t a problem as then it is hard to stay awake and enjoy things.

The highs are starting to be managed better. I still crave the ability to get 80 things done at one time but I understand it’s better to take my time and get just 40 done but at a good quality. 

Here’s the kicker… Balancing on a balance beam is done by gymnasts that have trained long and hard to do crazy tricks. Balancing the mind for those not in key practice for bipolar individuals is just as hard to do crazy olympic challenges.

Now I’ve been on the computer looking for new job opportunites but instead am writing. See that focus thing needs to be under control and not on the low end and the mind needs balance.

For those struggling…Stay strong, stay focused and overcome the lows and highs! Bring the bipolar balance medal home!

Swinging low

So not having any confidence is hard to overcome. When day in and day out you have it ripped down then building it up will take forever. I’m swinging low, but still swinging. I won’t be brought down. I may be low but I strive to prevail.

Looking else where is another challenge, need to swing high for that to be successful. Nothing can fall into your plate and be perfect. Working hard is a key to that success.

I pray for the strength to overcome and go up, up and away to greener pastures.